"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief, and unspeakable love."
-Washington Irving
From personal experience, too much suppressed emotion will lead to an 'explosion' one day. Growing up in a strict Chinese family, I was taught that it's a sign of weakness to show emotions, more so if the emotions involve tears. I was caned for crying. And crying due to the pain would just earn additional beatings.
During my teenage years, I suppressed a lot of my emotions. I always managed to keep a placid outlook, even when I was being torn apart and dying inside. No matter what insult was thrown at me, I remained emotionless. And on my nineteenth birthday, I exploded. At that moment, I understood exactly the meaning of the saying 'the straw that broke the camel's back'. That was exactly what happened. I blew up over an extremely small matter - till this day, I still wonder why I blew up over it. I'm not going to go into detail about it now -I'm not ready to blog about it yet. In a nutshell, suppressed emotions will eat you up.
It takes courage to show emotion. It's a scary thing. When I show emotion, I feel vulnerable. It's easy then for others to know my weakness - what annoys me most, what buttons they can press, what are my sore topics etc. That would possibly increase my chances of getting hurt.
It's all, perhaps, a matter of self-control. I need to learn when it's ok to show emotion, and when to hold back. There is a time for everything. It would be a bad thing if my emotions were to negatively affect other people.
I'm still learning to control and manage my emotions. There are times when I feel that my emotions are getting the better of me, and I get this wild impulse to do something. Thankfully, there is this still small voice of reason in the back of my head that holds me back. There are still emotions which I don't dare to show. When topics come up that would touch upon those feelings and emotions - e.g. questions about my family - I start answering in a very matter-of-fact way. I'm aware that this approach makes me seem very cold, heartless, and emotionless. It makes me sound like I have no feeling.
Truth is, it hurts more than they can imagine to go down that road. I give matter-of-fact answers in hope that people will pick up on my tone as a hint to not probe any further. When those questions are asked they bring me down memory lane. It's a painful experience for me. Speaking about the past is like reliving the past. Scars and wounds are reopened. This is why I talk about it as little as possible.
But sometimes, I just need to release some of it. The friends I talk to - you know who you are - I never cry in front of you, but do you know that when I get back to the safety of my room, I cry? I hurt. I hurt more than you can ever imagine. I really need to figure out a way to sort through all my emotional baggage.
I guess it's time to end this post. It should probably be titled The Random Ramblings of an Emotional Wreck...hmm, why not.
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