Delicious Ambiguity

“I wanted a perfect ending. Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity.” 
― Gilda Radner

The leap of faith. Jumping into the unknown. Taking chances. Taking risks. Being impulsive. Facing challenges. Carpe Diem.

"Love God and do what you want,"
- St. Augustine

Trust God, and take off on the adventure you've always wanted to take. Know that He is in supreme control. Be impulsive. Be you.

"Better to live impulsively with the love of God than to live immobilized by the fear of making the wrong decision."
- RELEVANT Magazine

'Trying out' relationships

Something that's been sitting in my drafts for 2 years. Will post an update on what I think now soon!

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"If you never try, you'll never know."
"Give it a try, who knows, he could be the one."
"What's the worst that could happen? If it doesn't work out, just break up. You'll learn something from it. It's just an experience in life everyone goes through."


These are all bit of advice given to me over the years, from well meaning friends who don't understand my lack of need for a relationship. Admittedly, I have wondered what it would be like to be in a relationship. To love and be loved. To adore and be adored. To cherish, and be cherished.


And yet, something stops me. Perhaps, its a feeling. Or a tiny little voice in my heart. The impression that perhaps, the time is not now. I'm not ready. I'm too young (incidentally, an excuse I've been using for years).


I'm not that young anymore. Certainly old enough to be in a relationship by anyone's standards. I have friends who got engaged at my age. I know people who were married at my age. And here I am, never having been in a relationship.


What, exactly, is love? What is there to a relationship? How do I know if he is the one for you? How do I know that there isn't someone out there who is better suited for me? How do I know that this is not just a crush or infatuation that will fade soon enough? And also, am I 'the one' for him?


Isn't love supposed to be unconditional? A no-matter-what? But somehow, all my life, I've felt that love is like approval. Something to be won. To be earned. That I need to do all the right things, say the appropriate thing, achieve. And only then, be rewarded with 'love', acceptance, and approval.


Is that how it is supposed to be? Is love something tangible? Something that can be measured, something to live up to? Is it a standard? Does it satisfy? Does it deliver? Is it enough? Is that all there is to it?


1 Corinthians 13. The love chapter. One of the most famous passages in the Bible, quoted by Christians and non-Christians alike. Love is patient, love is kind. Does not envy. Does not boast. Is not easily angered. Is not self-seeking. Does not dishonor others. Does not delight in evil, but rejoices in the truth. Always protects. Always trusts. Always hopes. Always perseveres. And in the beginning of the chapter - if we do not have love, we have nothing.


That's work. Love is a verb. Not merely a feeling. It's not easy. The description of love in 1 Corinthians 13 is unconditional. Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.


I feel, that God never intended for us to 'try' in relationships till we find the right one to marry. I believe, that there is only that one guy out there meant to be my life partner. When the time is right, God will bring us together. Perhaps, I have already met him. Perhaps not. Perhaps, he is the one I've been thinking of, dreaming of, and praying for. Perhaps not. Perhaps, he would just be a dream that I would always want to chase.


I've been reading blog posts and stories about some amazing relationship stories. I marvel at how God has written their love stories. How perfectly He has brought it all together. And that, is what I want. That perfect love story in my life. To be able to one day tell my children, if it is His will, that I waited, I trusted, and God provided.


He has perfect timing. He will have a plan for the relationships in my life. I want Him to bless my relationships. To guide them. In His time, He will make two paths become one. And if He doesn't, He will work out a different plan for my life from what I have in mind.

Counting blessings...

From the fullness of his grace we have all received one blessing after another. 
-John 1:16


Prayer is not a get-what-you-want toll-free hotline. God is not a genie in a lamp. He does not exist to fulfill our every whim. Our wish is not God's command. God is Almighty. Who are we to demand? Our blessings come by His grace. He gives and blesses, because He loves us.


When upon life’s billows you are tempest tossed,
When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
Count your many blessings, name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.


Thank You. I have not lacked. Thank You, for being faithful. Thank You, for sending me encouragement when I needed it most. Thank You, for grace. For Your love. For always watching out for me. Thank You, for always being there, even though it may not always feel that way. Thank You, for the knowledge that You are with me, even though I sometimes feel so alone.

Can men and women just be friends?

“A guy and a girl can be just friends, but at one point or another, they will fall for each other...Maybe temporarily, maybe at the wrong time, maybe too late, or maybe forever” -Dave Matthews 


I wondered how true this was when I first came across this quote some weeks ago. In retrospect, I think it is true. I don't have many male friends, but those whom I'm close with- I'll admit that at some point in those friendships, I'll wonder how it would be like to be in a relationship with that guy. And I suppose, at some point, I develop a crush, or feel attracted on that guy. But yet, I've never told him how I felt. I suppose I won't ever. I'm too afraid to take that risk that he may not feel the same, or that the relationship wouldn't work out, and thus, the friendship is spoilt. Teasing by other friends don't do anything to help 


Is it really true that men and women can't be just friends without any of those other feelings at some point in the relationship?

Women expect more emotional rewards from friendship than men do, so they're easily disappointed when they don't receive them.

-Sapadin

This, is true. Very, very true. Personally, if I really consider someone a friend, I will do a lot for them. I'm willing to sacrifice time, money, emotion etc- just to make a friend happy. 

"Friendships with men are lighter, more fun. Men aren't so sensitive about things." 

-Sapadin

This, depends.


“Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship.” - Oscar Wilde

Trying.

How does doubt slip in, so silently?

And why does condemnation come so naturally?

Why do I still get the best of me?

Loving so little and living so selfishly?

When all I want to do, is give this life to You

-Ginny Owen

Sums me up perfectly right now.

Gleaned bits and pieces

The free-fall feeling of change will always land me in the arms of a loving God who has nurtured and cared for me since the beginning. His strong palms will support my back as I try to get my bearings. God's grace will always lift me up and remind me that I'll be fine.

I may not know where I want to be right now, but God knows that I will be where I am now. I know that in the midst of all the confusion, He is up to some awesome plan for my life. As long as the direction of my heart is to love and serve God, I have the freedom to discover what brings me joy, love, laughter and happiness. God intended for life to be an enjoyable adventure. When I find what makes me feel good, and what resonates with my heart, I will find myself right in the center of God's will.

"Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don't try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; He is the One who will keep you on track."

Proverbs 3:5-6 (MSG)

My Father is working everything out. He will provide for me. Today, I have everything I need for life and godliness.  Today, nothing good has been withheld from me. Today, He is ordaining every detail of my day for my good. Today, I don't want to be anxious about anything because He will take care of me.

-Fabienne Harford

disclaimer: this post isn't my own writing, it's bits and pieces paraphrased from what I've read here and there.

On faith, and not worrying

Why faith? Because, when you hit rock bottom, faith is all you have left. You just have to trust that He will not forsake one of His own, that because He loves you, He will take care of you, and He will provide for you. He will never give you more than you can bear, and He has a reason for everything. It is all part of His plan for fulfilling His purpose in your life. And His Grace will always be sufficient for you. Just trust in Him, and surrender to Him.

This isn't easy. Faith and surrender do not come easily to me. I'm a person who doesn't like the unknown. I fear the unknown. I don't like not knowing how I will be surviving financially, what the next day will bring, new situations, etc. I sometimes crave for a change in my life, but generally, I like having my daily routines. 

I'm also a stubborn girl. I don't like asking for help. Even when going out with my friends, it galls me to have to ask for a ride home because I don't drive. It makes me feel bad, like I'm imposing on them, especially if it is out of the way, or I know it will take them longer to get home because they have to send me. An ex-colleague once commented that I was too stubborn to ask for help. I had no reply to that, because I knew she was right. I never ask for help if I can help it. I've always prided myself on being self-reliant.  I'm afraid to rely on anyone - emotionally, mentally, physically, financially - because I'm too afraid that one day, it will be gone. That it won't last. That I will just end up being hurt.

This fear of trusting anyone has gotten to a point where I am sometimes afraid to trust in God. I am afraid that one day, He, too will leave me. I am thankful for that small, still voice in my heart, the one that reminds me, with deep conviction, that God is real. That He is ever faithful. That He will always look out for me and provide for me.

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
-Philippians 4:4-7

Therefore do not worry, about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
-Matthew 6:34

I'm learning to let go, and let God. I need to learn to trust. To surrender. To have faith.