Inadequate

Last night, I had this really bad feeling of inadequacy. That feeling where you look at someone who's your own age, or younger, and see that they are so much more successful, and you realize that you have nothing to show for yourself. No achievements at all.

I'm 22 now. People say I'm still young. True enough, but I won't be getting any younger. I remember that when I was in primary school, I was a good student, and many people had high hopes for me academically. But where am I now? I dropped out of college, and I'm still trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. My primary school classmates -who did not do as well as I did academically back then, are studying subjects like biotechnology, medicine, actuarial science, law, accounting, etc. Subjects that make my head spin. Have I lost my intellect over the years?

I feel like such a failure, seeing graduation pics on Facebook, hearing that others have good jobs that the seem to be happy in, having good relationships, happy families.

I always hated being compared to others when I was younger. I always believed, and still do, that each person is unique. If we keep comparing ourselves to others, we will never measure up. There will always be someone who is better, more successful, richer, prettier, more talented, etc. I grew up not measuring up. I always fell short. I was never smart enough, pretty enough, thin enough, tall enough, confident enough, compliant enough or ambitious enough.

I want to be accepted and loved for who I am. I want to be accepted and loved in spite of who I am. I just want to be happy.

I don't know what I want, so don't ask me
Cause I'm still trying to figure it out
Don't know what's down this road, I'm just walking
Trying to see through the rain coming down
Even though I'm not the only one
Who feels the way I do

I'm alone, on my own, and that's all I know
I'll be strong, I'll be wrong, oh but life goes on
I'm just a girl, trying to find a place in
This world
-A Place in This World, Taylor Swift

Confession..

I've never felt close to God.

Yeah, that's right. I've never felt like God was right next to me, or speaking to me. Some people may find this surprising. I grew up attending Sunday School and Children's Church. After a couple of year's hiatus during which my parents separated, we (mum, brother and I) started going back to church. I attended cell group, some youth services, some adult services, some prayer meetings, church camps, etc. Everyone around me seemed to have this very real connection with God. They would give testimonies saying what God had done in their lives. God has worked in my life. I can see that. But when others say that they have this really strong conviction that God spoke to them, or that they feel the presence of God - I wonder - is that true? Is it possible? Is it possible to have that very real connection with God? To speak to Him like a friend? I have never felt that.

I believe in God. I know that Christ gave up His life for me on the cross. I believe that, deep down in my heart. This belief, this faith, is something that I will never deny. I will always cling to this faith and the promises in Christ. But why can't I seem to feel closer to God?

The only time I seem to feel closer to God is through music. By listening to praise and worship songs. When I close my eyes, when I sing, those are the times when I feel that maybe, I could drift away and be close to God. 

I always feel weird when I pray. I'm not sure if God hears me. I'm not sure if He will answer me. It feels like there is this wall, this barrier, shutting me away from God, blocking me from Him.

How do I break out of this feeling? How can I feel close to God?

On Love

   Love never gives up. 

   Love cares more for others than for self. 

   Love doesn't want what it doesn't have. 

   Love doesn't strut, 

   Doesn't have a swelled head, 

   Doesn't force itself on others, 

   Isn't always "me first," 

   Doesn't fly off the handle, 

   Doesn't keep score of the sins of others, 

   Doesn't revel when others grovel, 

   Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, 

   Puts up with anything, 

   Trusts God always, 

   Always looks for the best, 

   Never looks back, 

   But keeps going to the end.

(1 Corinthians 13:4-7, The Message)

This has always been one of my favorite verses, and I remember learning the Chinese version of it through a song. I've known this verse since childhood, but how often do I put it into practice? The hopeless romantic side of me keeps thinking that love is a feeling. That love is that sweet rush of butterflies in your stomach when that special someone looks at you, hugs you, kisses you, etc.

When we love, we always strive to become better than we are. When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better too.
-Paulo Coelho

Not quite. Love is more than just emotion. Love is a verb. Love is an action. Love is sacrifice. Love is serving others, possibly at a cost to the self. We need to show love. We need to care, and show concern. God gave us feelings and emotions, but feelings and emotions are not meant to stand alone. Feelings and emotions come and go. We may feel sad or angry for a time, but it does not last forever. Likewise, we may not feel love all the time. Love is a choice. It is something that we may not always feel, but it is something that we should be consciously choosing all the time. When we love, we become better people. We feel better too. And when we strive to become better, everything becomes better. The world becomes a better place.

Christ said, "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." (John 15:13, NIV). Christ is the ultimate example of love. He came down to earth and paid the ultimate price for all our sins. He died a sinners death on the cross for us, rising again 3 days later. God is love. God sacrificed His only beloved Son for us. In the Bible, God always showed His love through actions - healing, blessings, miracles, forgiveness etc. God shows us His love. God has given us the capacity to love. "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.” (Mark 12:30-31, NIV). Love is the greatest commandment.

Love someone when they least deserve it, for that is when they need it the most.

We are strong.

“Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."
-Christopher Robin to Pooh

We all need our emo moments, and time to be sad. After that, life goes on. We'll pull ourselves back up and make ourselves strong again, even if we're still hurting, or dying inside. We always do.

In Christ Alone

In Christ alone, I place my trust;
And find my glory in the power of the Cross;
In every victory, let it be said of me:
My source of strength, my source of hope;
Is Christ alone.

Psalm 27

1 The Lord is my light and my salvation—
      so why should I be afraid?
   The Lord is my fortress, protecting me from danger,
      so why should I tremble?
 2 When evil people come to devour me,
      when my enemies and foes attack me,
      they will stumble and fall.
 3 Though a mighty army surrounds me,
      my heart will not be afraid.
   Even if I am attacked,
      I will remain confident.
 4 The one thing I ask of the Lord—
      the thing I seek most—
   is to live in the house of the Lord all the days of my life,
      delighting in the Lord’s perfections
      and meditating in his Temple.
 5 For he will conceal me there when troubles come;
      he will hide me in his sanctuary.
      He will place me out of reach on a high rock.
 6 Then I will hold my head high
      above my enemies who surround me.
   At his sanctuary I will offer sacrifices with shouts of joy,
      singing and praising the Lord with music.
 7 Hear me as I pray, O Lord.
      Be merciful and answer me!
 8 My heart has heard you say, “Come and talk with me.”
      And my heart responds, “Lord, I am coming.”
 9 Do not turn your back on me.
      Do not reject your servant in anger.
      You have always been my helper.
   Don’t leave me now; don’t abandon me,
      O God of my salvation!
 10 Even if my father and mother abandon me,
      the Lord will hold me close.
 11 Teach me how to live, O Lord.
      Lead me along the right path,
      for my enemies are waiting for me.
 12 Do not let me fall into their hands.
      For they accuse me of things I’ve never done;
      with every breath they threaten me with violence.
 13 Yet I am confident I will see the Lord’s goodness
      while I am here in the land of the living.
 14 Wait patiently for the Lord.
      Be brave and courageous.
      Yes, wait patiently for the Lord.

Say what you feel, and do what you want, so long as its not illegal or immoral. Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind. Always be kind. Be yourself.