Priorities

Imagine life is a game in which you are juggling five balls. The balls are called work, family, health, friends, and integrity. And you're keeping all of them in the air. But one day you finally come to understand that work is a rubber ball. If you drop it, it will bounce back. The other four balls--family, health, friends, integrity--are made of glass. If you drop one of these, it will be irrevocably scuffed, nicked, perhaps even shattered. And once you truly understand the lesson of the five balls, you will have the beginnings of balance in your life.
-Suzanne's Diary to Nicholas. by James Patterson

I loved this illustration. Too often, we get so caught up in work, that we neglect the other four balls - whether intentionally or unintentionally - and we lose sight of what truly matters.

An emotional ramble

"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief, and unspeakable love."

-Washington Irving

I've learnt, that it's all right to cry. There's nothing wrong with showing emotion. God gave us feelings and emotions. We are born emotional creatures. Jesus showed emotion. Jesus wept. 

From personal experience, too much suppressed emotion will lead to an 'explosion' one day. Growing up in a strict Chinese family, I was taught that it's a sign of weakness to show emotions, more so if the emotions involve tears. I was caned for crying. And crying due to the pain would just earn additional beatings.

During my teenage years, I suppressed a lot of my emotions. I always managed to keep a placid outlook, even when I was being torn apart and dying inside. No matter what insult was thrown at me, I remained emotionless. And on my nineteenth birthday, I exploded. At that moment, I understood exactly the meaning of the saying 'the straw that broke the camel's back'. That was exactly what happened. I blew up over an extremely small matter - till this day, I still wonder why I blew up over it. I'm not going to go into detail about it now -I'm not ready to blog about it yet. In a nutshell, suppressed emotions will eat you up.

It takes courage to show emotion. It's a scary thing. When I show emotion, I feel vulnerable. It's easy then for others to know my weakness - what annoys me most, what buttons they can press, what are my sore topics etc. That would possibly increase my chances of getting hurt. 

It's all, perhaps, a matter of self-control. I need to learn when it's ok to show emotion, and when to hold back. There is a time for everything. It would be a bad thing if my emotions were to negatively affect other people.

I'm still learning to control and manage my emotions. There are times when I feel that my emotions are getting the better of me, and I get this wild impulse to do something. Thankfully, there is this still small voice of reason in the back of my head that holds me back. There are still emotions which I don't dare to show. When topics come up that would touch upon those feelings and emotions - e.g. questions about my family - I start answering in a very matter-of-fact way. I'm aware that this approach makes me seem very cold, heartless, and emotionless. It makes me sound like I have no feeling.

Truth is, it hurts more than they can imagine to go down that road. I give matter-of-fact answers in hope that people will pick up on my tone as a hint to not probe any further. When those questions are asked they bring me down memory lane. It's a painful experience for me. Speaking about the past is like reliving the past. Scars and wounds are reopened. This is why I talk about it as little as possible.

But sometimes, I just need to release some of it. The friends I talk to - you know who you are - I never cry in front of you, but do you know that when I get back to the safety of my room, I cry? I hurt. I hurt more than you can ever imagine. I really need to figure out a way to sort through all my emotional baggage.

I guess it's time to end this post. It should probably be titled The Random Ramblings of an Emotional Wreck...hmm, why not.

Stay hungry. Stay foolish.

Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don't settle.

The above quote is my favourite part in that awesomely inspiring speech. And it's what I've been feeling for the past 6 months. I don't want to just settle for something that I can live with. I need to be satisfied with my job. I need to be happy with what I do. I need to love what I do. I'm still searching, but I believe that I will find it.

You can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.

What I've been through - all the pain, suffering, trials, happy times, memories, good and bad experiences etc. - They've shaped me into the person who I am today. I used to always wish that I was someone else. Or that I could go back in time and change things. I no longer wish so. A part of me still regrets some things. But the past has passed, and I'm slowly letting go. There's no point in regretting what has already happened. Through it all, I can see God having control of my life. God will connect all the dots in my life. His purpose for me will be fulfilled.

Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

I do not know what I want to do with my life. But I will figure it out. Life's too short to spend much time being miserable. There's so much that life can offer, and I want to experience all of it. I dream of seeing the world. Of experiencing different cultures and lifestyles. One day, I will. That is a promise to myself. I want to focus on what is truly important. God. Family. Friends. Memories. Experiences. Living to the fullest. Dreams. Happiness. Joy. I won't settle for anything less. I don't want to be held back by the past. Tomorrow is a new day. Today's worries are enough for today. And yesterday has already passed. I will not limit myself.

Stay hungry. Stay foolish.

Stay hungry for what you can experience in life. Stay foolish enough to dare to live it without thinking too much.

Wanna do something crazy? Why not? =D

Books

“Sometimes I read the same books over and over and over. What’s great about books is that the stuff inside doesn't change. People say you can’t judge a book by its cover but that’s not true because it says right on the cover what’s inside. And no matter how many times you read that book the words and pictures don’t change. You can open and close books a million times and they stay the same. They look the same. They say the same words. The charts and pictures are the same colors.
Books are not like people. Books are safe.”
-Kathryn Erskine

I love reading. I love books. Ever since I could remember, I've always been attached to a book. I read almost  all the time unless I'm in the shower or in bed. More often than not, I'm engrossed in reading my ebook on my iPhone (oh blessed ebooks, and the wonder of smartphones!). Occasionally I would head to Borders for a cuppa and spend the better part of the day reading and thinking. Otherwise I'd be reading a blog, quotes, or an article online.

I enjoy reading some books over and over again. Some books are so beautifully written. And sometimes, I learn something new, or get a new thought from rereading a book. Books are for the dreamers. There is scope for imagination in books. I much prefer reading a book and imagining the scenes in my head compared to watching a movie adaptation, which I always find disappointing. I especially love those books when, after I flip the last page, leave me with a slight sense of loss, and I feel sorry that the read is over. These are the books that I will definitely reread over and over again.

A book is the only place in which you can examine a fragile thought without breaking it, or explore an explosive idea without fear it will go off in your face.  It is one of the few havens remaining where a man's mind can get both provocation and privacy.  
-Edward P. Morgan

For me, books open the door to another world.  Books open up a whole new world of thoughts and ideas, inspiration and motivation. You never know what you may learn, what new ideas you may encounter, or what spark of inspiration you may get reading a book. Books enable us to travel to places we would otherwise never have seen or encountered.

Literature is my Utopia. Here I am not disenfranchised. No barrier of the senses shuts me out from the sweet, gracious discourses of my book friends. They talk to me without embarrassment or awkwardness. 
-Helen Keller 

Time does not heal all wounds

I don't build a wall around myself to block those I love out, but to see who loves me enough to climb over it.

I like dreaming. My dreams are the one place where everything is ideal for me. But realistically, I'm still relationship phobic. I'm too afraid of getting hurt. Getting hurt is one thing that I take great pains to avoid. If there's a chance I may get hurt, I'm outta there. I know that to a lot of people out there, I sound very cold and unfeeling when I talk about my family. Especially when I summarize my home life in about 3 sentences. They just don't get that it is easier for me to state it in a matter-of-fact way. It hurts less that way. Further explanations just lead me to reliving my past. 

They say time heals all wounds. That's not true, you know. Time creates a scar over the wounds. But those scars can be opened to reveal the wound underneath. And it happens more easily than you'd expect. Sometimes, I find wounds that I never thought were there. I'm reminded of past hurts that I thought I'd forgotten.

For me, opening my heart to someone will also mean exposing the wounds, hurts, and scars of the past. The defects of the mind are like the wounds of the body. I try to take care to heal them and forget, but the scars will still be there, and there is always the danger of their reopening. And it hurts. Like hell.

There are some hurts that you never completely get over. And you think that time will diminish their presence, and it does, to a degree. But it still hurts. Because well, hurt hurts.
- The Story of Us

Not a silly romantic

I'm not a silly romantic. I’m not looking for the heavens or the stars. I’m not asking for jewelry and branded items. I want a steady, God-fearing man; someone who makes me feel safe and secure. A man of his word, with a kind and loving heart. Someone who loves me and accepts me for who I am. Someone who will be a good and loving father to our kids. Someone who cares. I want to know that my heart is safe. I want to love, and be loved.

Maybe this is wishful thinking, probably mindless dreaming.
-Back to December, Taylor Swift 

For some reason, that phrase keeps floating around in my head. Yeah, maybe I'm dreaming too much. Maybe I should come back to reality. So many people are telling me that no such guy exists, except probably in my imagination. Perhaps, they're right. I don't know. But a part of me believes that there are still good guys out there. Not all good guys are married, buried, gay, or just friends. I want love and security, but I'm afraid of the hurt it will bring if it doesn't work out. That's why my status is single, but not necessarily available.

Do not worry

 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

   “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
(Matthew 6:28-34, NIV)

This is what I remind myself of daily. God WILL provide. I will not be lacking. He has always been faithful, and will continue to be. I take comfort in the verses above. There are people who admonish me for not being more proactive, and those who were shocked to hear that I resigned from my current job, especially in my current financial situation, without another job offer in hand. Logically speaking, they are right. However, I just cannot work with a company which products and philosophy I do not agree with. My values and my faith are more important to me. Upon making the decision to resign, I felt at peace, and finally managed to rest for the first time in the 6 weeks I started working.

I will not worry. He is Jehovah Jireh. My Lord, my Saviour, my Provider.