Inadequate

Last night, I had this really bad feeling of inadequacy. That feeling where you look at someone who's your own age, or younger, and see that they are so much more successful, and you realize that you have nothing to show for yourself. No achievements at all.

I'm 22 now. People say I'm still young. True enough, but I won't be getting any younger. I remember that when I was in primary school, I was a good student, and many people had high hopes for me academically. But where am I now? I dropped out of college, and I'm still trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. My primary school classmates -who did not do as well as I did academically back then, are studying subjects like biotechnology, medicine, actuarial science, law, accounting, etc. Subjects that make my head spin. Have I lost my intellect over the years?

I feel like such a failure, seeing graduation pics on Facebook, hearing that others have good jobs that the seem to be happy in, having good relationships, happy families.

I always hated being compared to others when I was younger. I always believed, and still do, that each person is unique. If we keep comparing ourselves to others, we will never measure up. There will always be someone who is better, more successful, richer, prettier, more talented, etc. I grew up not measuring up. I always fell short. I was never smart enough, pretty enough, thin enough, tall enough, confident enough, compliant enough or ambitious enough.

I want to be accepted and loved for who I am. I want to be accepted and loved in spite of who I am. I just want to be happy.

I don't know what I want, so don't ask me
Cause I'm still trying to figure it out
Don't know what's down this road, I'm just walking
Trying to see through the rain coming down
Even though I'm not the only one
Who feels the way I do

I'm alone, on my own, and that's all I know
I'll be strong, I'll be wrong, oh but life goes on
I'm just a girl, trying to find a place in
This world
-A Place in This World, Taylor Swift

Confession..

I've never felt close to God.

Yeah, that's right. I've never felt like God was right next to me, or speaking to me. Some people may find this surprising. I grew up attending Sunday School and Children's Church. After a couple of year's hiatus during which my parents separated, we (mum, brother and I) started going back to church. I attended cell group, some youth services, some adult services, some prayer meetings, church camps, etc. Everyone around me seemed to have this very real connection with God. They would give testimonies saying what God had done in their lives. God has worked in my life. I can see that. But when others say that they have this really strong conviction that God spoke to them, or that they feel the presence of God - I wonder - is that true? Is it possible? Is it possible to have that very real connection with God? To speak to Him like a friend? I have never felt that.

I believe in God. I know that Christ gave up His life for me on the cross. I believe that, deep down in my heart. This belief, this faith, is something that I will never deny. I will always cling to this faith and the promises in Christ. But why can't I seem to feel closer to God?

The only time I seem to feel closer to God is through music. By listening to praise and worship songs. When I close my eyes, when I sing, those are the times when I feel that maybe, I could drift away and be close to God. 

I always feel weird when I pray. I'm not sure if God hears me. I'm not sure if He will answer me. It feels like there is this wall, this barrier, shutting me away from God, blocking me from Him.

How do I break out of this feeling? How can I feel close to God?

On Love

   Love never gives up. 

   Love cares more for others than for self. 

   Love doesn't want what it doesn't have. 

   Love doesn't strut, 

   Doesn't have a swelled head, 

   Doesn't force itself on others, 

   Isn't always "me first," 

   Doesn't fly off the handle, 

   Doesn't keep score of the sins of others, 

   Doesn't revel when others grovel, 

   Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, 

   Puts up with anything, 

   Trusts God always, 

   Always looks for the best, 

   Never looks back, 

   But keeps going to the end.

(1 Corinthians 13:4-7, The Message)

This has always been one of my favorite verses, and I remember learning the Chinese version of it through a song. I've known this verse since childhood, but how often do I put it into practice? The hopeless romantic side of me keeps thinking that love is a feeling. That love is that sweet rush of butterflies in your stomach when that special someone looks at you, hugs you, kisses you, etc.

When we love, we always strive to become better than we are. When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better too.
-Paulo Coelho

Not quite. Love is more than just emotion. Love is a verb. Love is an action. Love is sacrifice. Love is serving others, possibly at a cost to the self. We need to show love. We need to care, and show concern. God gave us feelings and emotions, but feelings and emotions are not meant to stand alone. Feelings and emotions come and go. We may feel sad or angry for a time, but it does not last forever. Likewise, we may not feel love all the time. Love is a choice. It is something that we may not always feel, but it is something that we should be consciously choosing all the time. When we love, we become better people. We feel better too. And when we strive to become better, everything becomes better. The world becomes a better place.

Christ said, "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." (John 15:13, NIV). Christ is the ultimate example of love. He came down to earth and paid the ultimate price for all our sins. He died a sinners death on the cross for us, rising again 3 days later. God is love. God sacrificed His only beloved Son for us. In the Bible, God always showed His love through actions - healing, blessings, miracles, forgiveness etc. God shows us His love. God has given us the capacity to love. "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.” (Mark 12:30-31, NIV). Love is the greatest commandment.

Love someone when they least deserve it, for that is when they need it the most.

We are strong.

“Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."
-Christopher Robin to Pooh

We all need our emo moments, and time to be sad. After that, life goes on. We'll pull ourselves back up and make ourselves strong again, even if we're still hurting, or dying inside. We always do.

In Christ Alone

In Christ alone, I place my trust;
And find my glory in the power of the Cross;
In every victory, let it be said of me:
My source of strength, my source of hope;
Is Christ alone.

Psalm 27

1 The Lord is my light and my salvation—
      so why should I be afraid?
   The Lord is my fortress, protecting me from danger,
      so why should I tremble?
 2 When evil people come to devour me,
      when my enemies and foes attack me,
      they will stumble and fall.
 3 Though a mighty army surrounds me,
      my heart will not be afraid.
   Even if I am attacked,
      I will remain confident.
 4 The one thing I ask of the Lord—
      the thing I seek most—
   is to live in the house of the Lord all the days of my life,
      delighting in the Lord’s perfections
      and meditating in his Temple.
 5 For he will conceal me there when troubles come;
      he will hide me in his sanctuary.
      He will place me out of reach on a high rock.
 6 Then I will hold my head high
      above my enemies who surround me.
   At his sanctuary I will offer sacrifices with shouts of joy,
      singing and praising the Lord with music.
 7 Hear me as I pray, O Lord.
      Be merciful and answer me!
 8 My heart has heard you say, “Come and talk with me.”
      And my heart responds, “Lord, I am coming.”
 9 Do not turn your back on me.
      Do not reject your servant in anger.
      You have always been my helper.
   Don’t leave me now; don’t abandon me,
      O God of my salvation!
 10 Even if my father and mother abandon me,
      the Lord will hold me close.
 11 Teach me how to live, O Lord.
      Lead me along the right path,
      for my enemies are waiting for me.
 12 Do not let me fall into their hands.
      For they accuse me of things I’ve never done;
      with every breath they threaten me with violence.
 13 Yet I am confident I will see the Lord’s goodness
      while I am here in the land of the living.
 14 Wait patiently for the Lord.
      Be brave and courageous.
      Yes, wait patiently for the Lord.

Say what you feel, and do what you want, so long as its not illegal or immoral. Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind. Always be kind. Be yourself.

I'm not a silly romantic.

I'm not a silly romantic. I'm not looking for the heavens or the stars. I'm not asking for jewelry and branded items. I want a steady, God-fearing man; someone who makes me feel safe and secure. A man of his word, with a kind and loving heart. Someone who loves me and accepts me for who I am. Someone who will be a good and loving father to our kids. Someone who cares. I want to know that my heart is safe. I want to love, and be loved.

Why not?

There are those who look at things the way they are, and ask why. I dream of things that never were, and ask why not? 

- Robert Kennedy 

Why not?

Whenever my friends share how they wish they were doing something else with their lives, instead of being stuck in whatever job, career or study they're in, I always ask, "Why not? What's stopping you?" The answers would always be the same - Money (how will the bills get paid? After I save enough. I can't afford to pursue my dreams.), Family (You should think of a stable career that pays well and get all this nonsense out of your head), Life is busy (I have no time. Maybe I'll try, later.) Fear/ Insecurity (I'm not sure I can do this. I'm not talented enough. There are people out there who are way more talented.) There are many naysayers out there who will tell us that it's not possible. That it's unrealistic. That it's not 'safe'. That it's impossible.

Perhaps, the reason we do not take the leap is because we are scared. We are afraid of the unknown. We do not know what is in store, or if we will succeed. We are afraid that we will fail, and we will have to listen to the "I told you so-s", or "You should have listened to me. You'll never make it."

We all want to be safe. We want to be comfortable. We like to be content in knowing when and where our next paycheck will be in the bank, and that we have enough to live on and pay the bills. Why do we let money dictate our lives? Why do we sacrifice our dreams and passions for it? Who says that we can't make a living doing what we love? Probably the reason we don't pursue what we want is because we keep telling ourselves that we can't. We keep making excuses.

I'm realizing that I keep asking my friends that. "Why not? Why can't you?"

I've never been good at taking my own advice. But for the past week, I've been asking myself, "Why not, Ellie? Why can't you?"

There's nothing for me to lose, and everything to gain. Even if I fail, at least I can be proud of myself that I've tried my best. There will never be a perfect time to do it. Perhaps, I may be wrong. But in trying, I will not have any regrets. Nor will I one day look back on my youth and wonder- What if I did that when I was younger?

I'm going to take the plunge. One day at a time. Countdown, 1 week.

It doesn’t matter what you’ve heard

Impossible is not a word

It’s just a reason for someone not to try

Everybody’s scared to death

When they decide to take that step

Out on the water

It’ll be alright

Life is so much more

Than what your eyes are seeing

You will find your way

If you keep believing

-What Faith Can Do, Kutless

I rebel.

This is a conversation I had today:

D: XXX has been working at our company for X years in HR. She's very hardworking. She'll stay back every evening till 8 or 9pm before going home. She says that since there is nothing else for her to do anyway she might as well work.

Me: That's very sad. Her life is just 'get up, work, go home, sleep' and repeat.

D: That's normal. That's life. 

Me: No. That's not life. That's survival. I want more from life than that.

D: Well then you better get a rich boyfriend or husband so you don't have to work and you can carry an LV bag everyday and drive a big car around.

Me: That's not life either. I don't want to be dependent on others for a living. I'm not looking for branded stuff. I want to LIVE life. I want to experience what the world has to offer. I want to be happy.

I am stubborn. I rebel against societal norms. I choose to rebel against the common misconception that if I do not hold a degree, I am not worthy of good employment or good pay. I rebel against the fact the life is about getting a degree, a job, climbing the corporate ladder, getting married, having kids, and then retiring. I rebel against that cookie-cutter lifestyle. Scratch that. It's not a lifestyle. It's just survival.

I want to LIVE. To travel. To see the world. To write what I want.

Most of all, I want to be happy.

Someday

How very true. How very, very true.

The simplest of matters, the smallest of thoughts.

They can be the most consuming.

Quotebook

"We cling to music, to poems, to quotes, to writing, to art, because we desperately do not want to be alone. We want to know we aren’t going crazy and someone else out there knows exactly how you’re feeling. We want someone to explain the things we can’t. We love everything tied up neatly, easy, simple, and when we can’t do that, it scares the hell out of us. To not know the next step, or where you’re headed, kills. Being unsure isn’t in our plans. But its those moments, the ones where you risk it and step unknowingly into the future that assures us life is larger than we’ll ever know."

Quotes are my new addiction. They're inspiring, and I have so much fun working on them. In those moments, I feel like I'm in a different world of ideals.When I sift through quotes for my quote-book, I feel like there are other people out there who understand the way I feel and what I'm going through, and that I'm not alone. Quotes make me feel understood. Quotes -or perhaps I should say words- make me feel like there is more hope out there. That it's ok to dream. That it's ok to be a bit impractical. There is a part inside of me that comes alive when I read quotes. I get this warm, glowy feeling that makes me happier. Now, if only I can somehow capture the beautiful pictures I see online in my little notebook...

Unrealistic expectations

The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.
- Thomas Merton

Sometimes we attribute what we want into the characters of the people around us, only to feel disappointed that they do not live up to our expectations of them, or when they do not fit in to the role we may have unwittingly created for them. I will learn to accept people for who they are, flaws and all. After all, that is what shapes us. Our imperfections are what make us beautiful and unique. And through them, God is glorified.

Where is my heart?

Where will my path in life take me?
What path will I carve out for myself?
Do we carve out our own paths? Do we create our own destinies?
Our futures and lives are in the hands of the Creator. But He gives us free will.

I believe that we have control of our own livves and destinies to a certain extent. We can attempt to carve our path in life by following our hearts. I believe that following our hearts, our passions, and our interests will lead to a happier and more fulfilling life.

I read somewhere, that following our hearts may not always lead to the best results, but at least, when we do that, we won't have any regrets. Passion is essential for a happy life.

We spend about 40% or more of each day at work. A very significant portion of our awake hours. If we're unhappy and dissatisfied with what we do in that time, it will have a negative effect on the rest of our time, our emotions, and our lives.

I'm trying to find what my heart is in. What my passion is. I have a passion for books. music. dreaming. travelling.

Now, what can I do with all that?

I'm a searcher

“We searchers are ambitious only for life itself, for everything beautiful it can provide. Most of all we love and want to be loved. We want to live in a relationship that will not impede our wandering, not prevent outr search, nor lock us in prison walls; that will take us for what little we have to give. We do not want to prove ourselves to another or compete for love.”
— James Kavanaugh

I’ve always acknowledged myself as a searcher. I always thought I would know what I was searching for when I found it. But I just don’t know where to start. I don’t know what I’m looking for, or if what I’m looking for even exists. All I know is, I’m looking for something, somewhere, maybe someone…someone who can understand this feeling and not judge me.

Perhaps, what I'm looking for is love. Acceptance. Affirmation. Security in the knowledge that I am loved for who I am, and that there are people out there who care what happens to me.

Here we go

Hi, my name is Ellie. I'm promising myself that I will try to live happier, be more optimistic, and not to worry too much. I'm going to start documenting my journey here, as much as I can. I love quotes, so this blog may be quote-heavy. I also think way too much for my own good, so there may be rambly posts about anything and everything within a short space of time. Wish me luck!