Counting blessings...

From the fullness of his grace we have all received one blessing after another. 
-John 1:16


Prayer is not a get-what-you-want toll-free hotline. God is not a genie in a lamp. He does not exist to fulfill our every whim. Our wish is not God's command. God is Almighty. Who are we to demand? Our blessings come by His grace. He gives and blesses, because He loves us.


When upon life’s billows you are tempest tossed,
When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
Count your many blessings, name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.


Thank You. I have not lacked. Thank You, for being faithful. Thank You, for sending me encouragement when I needed it most. Thank You, for grace. For Your love. For always watching out for me. Thank You, for always being there, even though it may not always feel that way. Thank You, for the knowledge that You are with me, even though I sometimes feel so alone.

Can men and women just be friends?

“A guy and a girl can be just friends, but at one point or another, they will fall for each other...Maybe temporarily, maybe at the wrong time, maybe too late, or maybe forever” -Dave Matthews 


I wondered how true this was when I first came across this quote some weeks ago. In retrospect, I think it is true. I don't have many male friends, but those whom I'm close with- I'll admit that at some point in those friendships, I'll wonder how it would be like to be in a relationship with that guy. And I suppose, at some point, I develop a crush, or feel attracted on that guy. But yet, I've never told him how I felt. I suppose I won't ever. I'm too afraid to take that risk that he may not feel the same, or that the relationship wouldn't work out, and thus, the friendship is spoilt. Teasing by other friends don't do anything to help 


Is it really true that men and women can't be just friends without any of those other feelings at some point in the relationship?

Women expect more emotional rewards from friendship than men do, so they're easily disappointed when they don't receive them.

-Sapadin

This, is true. Very, very true. Personally, if I really consider someone a friend, I will do a lot for them. I'm willing to sacrifice time, money, emotion etc- just to make a friend happy. 

"Friendships with men are lighter, more fun. Men aren't so sensitive about things." 

-Sapadin

This, depends.


“Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship.” - Oscar Wilde

Trying.

How does doubt slip in, so silently?

And why does condemnation come so naturally?

Why do I still get the best of me?

Loving so little and living so selfishly?

When all I want to do, is give this life to You

-Ginny Owen

Sums me up perfectly right now.

Gleaned bits and pieces

The free-fall feeling of change will always land me in the arms of a loving God who has nurtured and cared for me since the beginning. His strong palms will support my back as I try to get my bearings. God's grace will always lift me up and remind me that I'll be fine.

I may not know where I want to be right now, but God knows that I will be where I am now. I know that in the midst of all the confusion, He is up to some awesome plan for my life. As long as the direction of my heart is to love and serve God, I have the freedom to discover what brings me joy, love, laughter and happiness. God intended for life to be an enjoyable adventure. When I find what makes me feel good, and what resonates with my heart, I will find myself right in the center of God's will.

"Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don't try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; He is the One who will keep you on track."

Proverbs 3:5-6 (MSG)

My Father is working everything out. He will provide for me. Today, I have everything I need for life and godliness.  Today, nothing good has been withheld from me. Today, He is ordaining every detail of my day for my good. Today, I don't want to be anxious about anything because He will take care of me.

-Fabienne Harford

disclaimer: this post isn't my own writing, it's bits and pieces paraphrased from what I've read here and there.

On faith, and not worrying

Why faith? Because, when you hit rock bottom, faith is all you have left. You just have to trust that He will not forsake one of His own, that because He loves you, He will take care of you, and He will provide for you. He will never give you more than you can bear, and He has a reason for everything. It is all part of His plan for fulfilling His purpose in your life. And His Grace will always be sufficient for you. Just trust in Him, and surrender to Him.

This isn't easy. Faith and surrender do not come easily to me. I'm a person who doesn't like the unknown. I fear the unknown. I don't like not knowing how I will be surviving financially, what the next day will bring, new situations, etc. I sometimes crave for a change in my life, but generally, I like having my daily routines. 

I'm also a stubborn girl. I don't like asking for help. Even when going out with my friends, it galls me to have to ask for a ride home because I don't drive. It makes me feel bad, like I'm imposing on them, especially if it is out of the way, or I know it will take them longer to get home because they have to send me. An ex-colleague once commented that I was too stubborn to ask for help. I had no reply to that, because I knew she was right. I never ask for help if I can help it. I've always prided myself on being self-reliant.  I'm afraid to rely on anyone - emotionally, mentally, physically, financially - because I'm too afraid that one day, it will be gone. That it won't last. That I will just end up being hurt.

This fear of trusting anyone has gotten to a point where I am sometimes afraid to trust in God. I am afraid that one day, He, too will leave me. I am thankful for that small, still voice in my heart, the one that reminds me, with deep conviction, that God is real. That He is ever faithful. That He will always look out for me and provide for me.

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
-Philippians 4:4-7

Therefore do not worry, about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
-Matthew 6:34

I'm learning to let go, and let God. I need to learn to trust. To surrender. To have faith.

Dreaming thoughts.

I am dreaming. Dreaming of blue skies, warm sunshine, a gentle breeze, white sands, clear sparkling waters, a cool drink, good books, good music, and laughter and fun, all to be enjoyed with a few close friends.

I guess I really do have what the Buddhists refer to as "monkey-mind". My mind is constantly in motion, with thoughts swinging and jumping from one to another, sometimes completely at random. Thing is, happy thoughts will make me happy, while melancholy thoughts will pull me into a contemplative mood and lead to feeling down.

I also have a short attention span. I need to multitask. If I'm not doing at least 3 things at a time, I don't function well. I get bored and cranky. For me to work well, my iPod/ iTunes must be on, I must have a book somewhere at hand, Facebook, blogs, chat, etc...and yeah, the work. Doesn't matter if I'm studying or working. It's impossible for me to 'just focus on work'. Doing 'one thing at a time' is a foreign concept for me - one that I've never been able to do.

Time to go back to my little world~ and I'll probably post more random thoughts that come into my mind...

Mother Teresa: "Do It Anyway"

People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered.  

Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives.  

Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies.  Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you.  

Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight.  

Create anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous.  

Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, will often be forgotten.  

Do good anyway.
Give the best you have, and it will never be enough.  

Give your best anyway.
In the final analysis, it is between you and God.  

It was never between you and them anyway.

Reminder of the day

Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity 
to accept the things I cannot change; 
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time; 
Enjoying one moment at a time; 
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; 
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it; 
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life 
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

Thought of the Day

"We have been forgiven so much that nothing we forgive compares to the amount we have been forgiven."
- Nicky Gumbel

I suppose, if God sees fit to forgive us, we need to forgive ourselves too. After all, who are we to question the grace and mercy of God? He offers it freely. We should receive with gratitude.

Things That Make Me Happy

1) Salvation
2) My brother
3) My friends
4) Good books
5) Good memories
6) Dreams
7) Feeling warm sun on my skin, and a breeze blowing through my hair
8) Cute animals
9) Singing songs that I love
10) Quotes
11) Seeing the people I love being happy
12) Moments of peace, quiet and solitude
13) Good food
14) Painting my nails
15) Make-up
16) Being appreciated
17) Reading about new ideas
18) Washing my hair with nice shampoo
19) Random chats
20) Sitting in a cafe with a cup of coffee and a book
21) Getting a good night's rest
22) Learning
23) Hugs
24) High heels
25) Naps
26) Massages
27) Knowing that all my bills are paid on time
28) Holidays
29) Cooking
30) Chocolate
31) Finding a Bible Verse that inspires me
32) His mercies are new every morning, He is eternally faithful
33) Rereading books and getting new insight from them
34) Knowing that I'm not the only person going through difficult times
35) Knowing that He has a plan for my life and everything will work out just fine
36) People who make me laugh
37) Friends who listen
38) Bookstores
39) Libraries
40) The smell of coffee brewing

No regrets.

“Every experience in life, everything with which we have come in contact in life, is a chisel which has been cutting away at our life statue, molding, modifying, shaping it. We are part of all we have met. Everything we have seen, heard, felt, or thought has had its hand in molding us, shaping us." 

-Orison Swett Marden

I used to live in a world of 'what if's. I questioned myself every day, about almost everything. And I would wonder, what would happen if I did things differently. So much so that, I would keep looking back on the past and wish I could turn back time, so I could do things differently.

-What if I had completed my studies?
-What if I had chosen to work at another bookstore, instead of going into customer service?
-What if I had just accepted another call center job in March?
-What if I said something?
-What if I kept silent?
-What if I did/did not do something?
-What if I had expressed myself more?
-What if I had tolerated a bit more?

Then I came across this verse:
And don't be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else. Where you are right now is God's place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there.
1 Corinthians 7:17 (MSG)

Where I am right now, is God's place for me. He has led me to where I am today, and the person I am now. All things happen for a reason. All I need to do is to trust in Him, that He will guide my path. When I look back on my life, I can see God's hand working. He has always been faithful, He has always provided, and He has never forsaken me. I will live in the now He has given to me, and try to always obey, show love, and continue to believe in Him, in His grace.

I want to live life with no regrets. I occasionally still wonder what could have been, what is coming, and what is to be. But I can honestly say that I have no regrets. All my life experiences- the pain, the despair, the sorrows, the hurts, the depression, the desperation, the joy, the hope, the prayers, the happy times - they have shaped me into who I am today. I am constantly being shaped and molded. 

I am constantly changing. And I pray that I will always change for the better, to be a better me by the day.

Life is too short to waste time on regret. What has happened, has passed. I need to learn to let go. To learn from mistakes, and try not to repeat them. To learn from my experiences so I will be a wiser person. To be kinder, and more compassionate. To be more understanding and empathetic. To be the woman that He intends me to be.

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Merciful God

 

Your mercies are new every morning. You are ever faithful. Thank You.

I am not an accident.

You are who you are for a reason.
You're part of an intricate plan.
You're a precious and perfect unique design,
Called God's special woman or man.

You look like you look for a reason.
Our God made no mistake.
He knit you together within the womb,
You're just what he wanted to make.

The parents you had were the ones he chose,
And no matter how you may feel,
They were custom designed with God's plan in mind,
And they bear the Master's seal.

No, that trauma you faced was not easy.
And God wept that it hurt you so;
But it was allowed to shape your heart 
So that into his likeness you'd grow.

You are who you are for a reason,
You've been formed by the Master's rod.
You are who you are, beloved,
Because there is a God!

-Russell Kelfer

Priorities

Imagine life is a game in which you are juggling five balls. The balls are called work, family, health, friends, and integrity. And you're keeping all of them in the air. But one day you finally come to understand that work is a rubber ball. If you drop it, it will bounce back. The other four balls--family, health, friends, integrity--are made of glass. If you drop one of these, it will be irrevocably scuffed, nicked, perhaps even shattered. And once you truly understand the lesson of the five balls, you will have the beginnings of balance in your life.
-Suzanne's Diary to Nicholas. by James Patterson

I loved this illustration. Too often, we get so caught up in work, that we neglect the other four balls - whether intentionally or unintentionally - and we lose sight of what truly matters.

An emotional ramble

"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief, and unspeakable love."

-Washington Irving

I've learnt, that it's all right to cry. There's nothing wrong with showing emotion. God gave us feelings and emotions. We are born emotional creatures. Jesus showed emotion. Jesus wept. 

From personal experience, too much suppressed emotion will lead to an 'explosion' one day. Growing up in a strict Chinese family, I was taught that it's a sign of weakness to show emotions, more so if the emotions involve tears. I was caned for crying. And crying due to the pain would just earn additional beatings.

During my teenage years, I suppressed a lot of my emotions. I always managed to keep a placid outlook, even when I was being torn apart and dying inside. No matter what insult was thrown at me, I remained emotionless. And on my nineteenth birthday, I exploded. At that moment, I understood exactly the meaning of the saying 'the straw that broke the camel's back'. That was exactly what happened. I blew up over an extremely small matter - till this day, I still wonder why I blew up over it. I'm not going to go into detail about it now -I'm not ready to blog about it yet. In a nutshell, suppressed emotions will eat you up.

It takes courage to show emotion. It's a scary thing. When I show emotion, I feel vulnerable. It's easy then for others to know my weakness - what annoys me most, what buttons they can press, what are my sore topics etc. That would possibly increase my chances of getting hurt. 

It's all, perhaps, a matter of self-control. I need to learn when it's ok to show emotion, and when to hold back. There is a time for everything. It would be a bad thing if my emotions were to negatively affect other people.

I'm still learning to control and manage my emotions. There are times when I feel that my emotions are getting the better of me, and I get this wild impulse to do something. Thankfully, there is this still small voice of reason in the back of my head that holds me back. There are still emotions which I don't dare to show. When topics come up that would touch upon those feelings and emotions - e.g. questions about my family - I start answering in a very matter-of-fact way. I'm aware that this approach makes me seem very cold, heartless, and emotionless. It makes me sound like I have no feeling.

Truth is, it hurts more than they can imagine to go down that road. I give matter-of-fact answers in hope that people will pick up on my tone as a hint to not probe any further. When those questions are asked they bring me down memory lane. It's a painful experience for me. Speaking about the past is like reliving the past. Scars and wounds are reopened. This is why I talk about it as little as possible.

But sometimes, I just need to release some of it. The friends I talk to - you know who you are - I never cry in front of you, but do you know that when I get back to the safety of my room, I cry? I hurt. I hurt more than you can ever imagine. I really need to figure out a way to sort through all my emotional baggage.

I guess it's time to end this post. It should probably be titled The Random Ramblings of an Emotional Wreck...hmm, why not.

Stay hungry. Stay foolish.

Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don't settle.

The above quote is my favourite part in that awesomely inspiring speech. And it's what I've been feeling for the past 6 months. I don't want to just settle for something that I can live with. I need to be satisfied with my job. I need to be happy with what I do. I need to love what I do. I'm still searching, but I believe that I will find it.

You can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.

What I've been through - all the pain, suffering, trials, happy times, memories, good and bad experiences etc. - They've shaped me into the person who I am today. I used to always wish that I was someone else. Or that I could go back in time and change things. I no longer wish so. A part of me still regrets some things. But the past has passed, and I'm slowly letting go. There's no point in regretting what has already happened. Through it all, I can see God having control of my life. God will connect all the dots in my life. His purpose for me will be fulfilled.

Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

I do not know what I want to do with my life. But I will figure it out. Life's too short to spend much time being miserable. There's so much that life can offer, and I want to experience all of it. I dream of seeing the world. Of experiencing different cultures and lifestyles. One day, I will. That is a promise to myself. I want to focus on what is truly important. God. Family. Friends. Memories. Experiences. Living to the fullest. Dreams. Happiness. Joy. I won't settle for anything less. I don't want to be held back by the past. Tomorrow is a new day. Today's worries are enough for today. And yesterday has already passed. I will not limit myself.

Stay hungry. Stay foolish.

Stay hungry for what you can experience in life. Stay foolish enough to dare to live it without thinking too much.

Wanna do something crazy? Why not? =D

Books

“Sometimes I read the same books over and over and over. What’s great about books is that the stuff inside doesn't change. People say you can’t judge a book by its cover but that’s not true because it says right on the cover what’s inside. And no matter how many times you read that book the words and pictures don’t change. You can open and close books a million times and they stay the same. They look the same. They say the same words. The charts and pictures are the same colors.
Books are not like people. Books are safe.”
-Kathryn Erskine

I love reading. I love books. Ever since I could remember, I've always been attached to a book. I read almost  all the time unless I'm in the shower or in bed. More often than not, I'm engrossed in reading my ebook on my iPhone (oh blessed ebooks, and the wonder of smartphones!). Occasionally I would head to Borders for a cuppa and spend the better part of the day reading and thinking. Otherwise I'd be reading a blog, quotes, or an article online.

I enjoy reading some books over and over again. Some books are so beautifully written. And sometimes, I learn something new, or get a new thought from rereading a book. Books are for the dreamers. There is scope for imagination in books. I much prefer reading a book and imagining the scenes in my head compared to watching a movie adaptation, which I always find disappointing. I especially love those books when, after I flip the last page, leave me with a slight sense of loss, and I feel sorry that the read is over. These are the books that I will definitely reread over and over again.

A book is the only place in which you can examine a fragile thought without breaking it, or explore an explosive idea without fear it will go off in your face.  It is one of the few havens remaining where a man's mind can get both provocation and privacy.  
-Edward P. Morgan

For me, books open the door to another world.  Books open up a whole new world of thoughts and ideas, inspiration and motivation. You never know what you may learn, what new ideas you may encounter, or what spark of inspiration you may get reading a book. Books enable us to travel to places we would otherwise never have seen or encountered.

Literature is my Utopia. Here I am not disenfranchised. No barrier of the senses shuts me out from the sweet, gracious discourses of my book friends. They talk to me without embarrassment or awkwardness. 
-Helen Keller 

Time does not heal all wounds

I don't build a wall around myself to block those I love out, but to see who loves me enough to climb over it.

I like dreaming. My dreams are the one place where everything is ideal for me. But realistically, I'm still relationship phobic. I'm too afraid of getting hurt. Getting hurt is one thing that I take great pains to avoid. If there's a chance I may get hurt, I'm outta there. I know that to a lot of people out there, I sound very cold and unfeeling when I talk about my family. Especially when I summarize my home life in about 3 sentences. They just don't get that it is easier for me to state it in a matter-of-fact way. It hurts less that way. Further explanations just lead me to reliving my past. 

They say time heals all wounds. That's not true, you know. Time creates a scar over the wounds. But those scars can be opened to reveal the wound underneath. And it happens more easily than you'd expect. Sometimes, I find wounds that I never thought were there. I'm reminded of past hurts that I thought I'd forgotten.

For me, opening my heart to someone will also mean exposing the wounds, hurts, and scars of the past. The defects of the mind are like the wounds of the body. I try to take care to heal them and forget, but the scars will still be there, and there is always the danger of their reopening. And it hurts. Like hell.

There are some hurts that you never completely get over. And you think that time will diminish their presence, and it does, to a degree. But it still hurts. Because well, hurt hurts.
- The Story of Us

Not a silly romantic

I'm not a silly romantic. I’m not looking for the heavens or the stars. I’m not asking for jewelry and branded items. I want a steady, God-fearing man; someone who makes me feel safe and secure. A man of his word, with a kind and loving heart. Someone who loves me and accepts me for who I am. Someone who will be a good and loving father to our kids. Someone who cares. I want to know that my heart is safe. I want to love, and be loved.

Maybe this is wishful thinking, probably mindless dreaming.
-Back to December, Taylor Swift 

For some reason, that phrase keeps floating around in my head. Yeah, maybe I'm dreaming too much. Maybe I should come back to reality. So many people are telling me that no such guy exists, except probably in my imagination. Perhaps, they're right. I don't know. But a part of me believes that there are still good guys out there. Not all good guys are married, buried, gay, or just friends. I want love and security, but I'm afraid of the hurt it will bring if it doesn't work out. That's why my status is single, but not necessarily available.

Do not worry

 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

   “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
(Matthew 6:28-34, NIV)

This is what I remind myself of daily. God WILL provide. I will not be lacking. He has always been faithful, and will continue to be. I take comfort in the verses above. There are people who admonish me for not being more proactive, and those who were shocked to hear that I resigned from my current job, especially in my current financial situation, without another job offer in hand. Logically speaking, they are right. However, I just cannot work with a company which products and philosophy I do not agree with. My values and my faith are more important to me. Upon making the decision to resign, I felt at peace, and finally managed to rest for the first time in the 6 weeks I started working.

I will not worry. He is Jehovah Jireh. My Lord, my Saviour, my Provider.

Inadequate

Last night, I had this really bad feeling of inadequacy. That feeling where you look at someone who's your own age, or younger, and see that they are so much more successful, and you realize that you have nothing to show for yourself. No achievements at all.

I'm 22 now. People say I'm still young. True enough, but I won't be getting any younger. I remember that when I was in primary school, I was a good student, and many people had high hopes for me academically. But where am I now? I dropped out of college, and I'm still trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. My primary school classmates -who did not do as well as I did academically back then, are studying subjects like biotechnology, medicine, actuarial science, law, accounting, etc. Subjects that make my head spin. Have I lost my intellect over the years?

I feel like such a failure, seeing graduation pics on Facebook, hearing that others have good jobs that the seem to be happy in, having good relationships, happy families.

I always hated being compared to others when I was younger. I always believed, and still do, that each person is unique. If we keep comparing ourselves to others, we will never measure up. There will always be someone who is better, more successful, richer, prettier, more talented, etc. I grew up not measuring up. I always fell short. I was never smart enough, pretty enough, thin enough, tall enough, confident enough, compliant enough or ambitious enough.

I want to be accepted and loved for who I am. I want to be accepted and loved in spite of who I am. I just want to be happy.

I don't know what I want, so don't ask me
Cause I'm still trying to figure it out
Don't know what's down this road, I'm just walking
Trying to see through the rain coming down
Even though I'm not the only one
Who feels the way I do

I'm alone, on my own, and that's all I know
I'll be strong, I'll be wrong, oh but life goes on
I'm just a girl, trying to find a place in
This world
-A Place in This World, Taylor Swift

Confession..

I've never felt close to God.

Yeah, that's right. I've never felt like God was right next to me, or speaking to me. Some people may find this surprising. I grew up attending Sunday School and Children's Church. After a couple of year's hiatus during which my parents separated, we (mum, brother and I) started going back to church. I attended cell group, some youth services, some adult services, some prayer meetings, church camps, etc. Everyone around me seemed to have this very real connection with God. They would give testimonies saying what God had done in their lives. God has worked in my life. I can see that. But when others say that they have this really strong conviction that God spoke to them, or that they feel the presence of God - I wonder - is that true? Is it possible? Is it possible to have that very real connection with God? To speak to Him like a friend? I have never felt that.

I believe in God. I know that Christ gave up His life for me on the cross. I believe that, deep down in my heart. This belief, this faith, is something that I will never deny. I will always cling to this faith and the promises in Christ. But why can't I seem to feel closer to God?

The only time I seem to feel closer to God is through music. By listening to praise and worship songs. When I close my eyes, when I sing, those are the times when I feel that maybe, I could drift away and be close to God. 

I always feel weird when I pray. I'm not sure if God hears me. I'm not sure if He will answer me. It feels like there is this wall, this barrier, shutting me away from God, blocking me from Him.

How do I break out of this feeling? How can I feel close to God?

On Love

   Love never gives up. 

   Love cares more for others than for self. 

   Love doesn't want what it doesn't have. 

   Love doesn't strut, 

   Doesn't have a swelled head, 

   Doesn't force itself on others, 

   Isn't always "me first," 

   Doesn't fly off the handle, 

   Doesn't keep score of the sins of others, 

   Doesn't revel when others grovel, 

   Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, 

   Puts up with anything, 

   Trusts God always, 

   Always looks for the best, 

   Never looks back, 

   But keeps going to the end.

(1 Corinthians 13:4-7, The Message)

This has always been one of my favorite verses, and I remember learning the Chinese version of it through a song. I've known this verse since childhood, but how often do I put it into practice? The hopeless romantic side of me keeps thinking that love is a feeling. That love is that sweet rush of butterflies in your stomach when that special someone looks at you, hugs you, kisses you, etc.

When we love, we always strive to become better than we are. When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better too.
-Paulo Coelho

Not quite. Love is more than just emotion. Love is a verb. Love is an action. Love is sacrifice. Love is serving others, possibly at a cost to the self. We need to show love. We need to care, and show concern. God gave us feelings and emotions, but feelings and emotions are not meant to stand alone. Feelings and emotions come and go. We may feel sad or angry for a time, but it does not last forever. Likewise, we may not feel love all the time. Love is a choice. It is something that we may not always feel, but it is something that we should be consciously choosing all the time. When we love, we become better people. We feel better too. And when we strive to become better, everything becomes better. The world becomes a better place.

Christ said, "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." (John 15:13, NIV). Christ is the ultimate example of love. He came down to earth and paid the ultimate price for all our sins. He died a sinners death on the cross for us, rising again 3 days later. God is love. God sacrificed His only beloved Son for us. In the Bible, God always showed His love through actions - healing, blessings, miracles, forgiveness etc. God shows us His love. God has given us the capacity to love. "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.” (Mark 12:30-31, NIV). Love is the greatest commandment.

Love someone when they least deserve it, for that is when they need it the most.

We are strong.

“Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."
-Christopher Robin to Pooh

We all need our emo moments, and time to be sad. After that, life goes on. We'll pull ourselves back up and make ourselves strong again, even if we're still hurting, or dying inside. We always do.

In Christ Alone

In Christ alone, I place my trust;
And find my glory in the power of the Cross;
In every victory, let it be said of me:
My source of strength, my source of hope;
Is Christ alone.

Psalm 27

1 The Lord is my light and my salvation—
      so why should I be afraid?
   The Lord is my fortress, protecting me from danger,
      so why should I tremble?
 2 When evil people come to devour me,
      when my enemies and foes attack me,
      they will stumble and fall.
 3 Though a mighty army surrounds me,
      my heart will not be afraid.
   Even if I am attacked,
      I will remain confident.
 4 The one thing I ask of the Lord—
      the thing I seek most—
   is to live in the house of the Lord all the days of my life,
      delighting in the Lord’s perfections
      and meditating in his Temple.
 5 For he will conceal me there when troubles come;
      he will hide me in his sanctuary.
      He will place me out of reach on a high rock.
 6 Then I will hold my head high
      above my enemies who surround me.
   At his sanctuary I will offer sacrifices with shouts of joy,
      singing and praising the Lord with music.
 7 Hear me as I pray, O Lord.
      Be merciful and answer me!
 8 My heart has heard you say, “Come and talk with me.”
      And my heart responds, “Lord, I am coming.”
 9 Do not turn your back on me.
      Do not reject your servant in anger.
      You have always been my helper.
   Don’t leave me now; don’t abandon me,
      O God of my salvation!
 10 Even if my father and mother abandon me,
      the Lord will hold me close.
 11 Teach me how to live, O Lord.
      Lead me along the right path,
      for my enemies are waiting for me.
 12 Do not let me fall into their hands.
      For they accuse me of things I’ve never done;
      with every breath they threaten me with violence.
 13 Yet I am confident I will see the Lord’s goodness
      while I am here in the land of the living.
 14 Wait patiently for the Lord.
      Be brave and courageous.
      Yes, wait patiently for the Lord.

Say what you feel, and do what you want, so long as its not illegal or immoral. Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind. Always be kind. Be yourself.

I'm not a silly romantic.

I'm not a silly romantic. I'm not looking for the heavens or the stars. I'm not asking for jewelry and branded items. I want a steady, God-fearing man; someone who makes me feel safe and secure. A man of his word, with a kind and loving heart. Someone who loves me and accepts me for who I am. Someone who will be a good and loving father to our kids. Someone who cares. I want to know that my heart is safe. I want to love, and be loved.

Why not?

There are those who look at things the way they are, and ask why. I dream of things that never were, and ask why not? 

- Robert Kennedy 

Why not?

Whenever my friends share how they wish they were doing something else with their lives, instead of being stuck in whatever job, career or study they're in, I always ask, "Why not? What's stopping you?" The answers would always be the same - Money (how will the bills get paid? After I save enough. I can't afford to pursue my dreams.), Family (You should think of a stable career that pays well and get all this nonsense out of your head), Life is busy (I have no time. Maybe I'll try, later.) Fear/ Insecurity (I'm not sure I can do this. I'm not talented enough. There are people out there who are way more talented.) There are many naysayers out there who will tell us that it's not possible. That it's unrealistic. That it's not 'safe'. That it's impossible.

Perhaps, the reason we do not take the leap is because we are scared. We are afraid of the unknown. We do not know what is in store, or if we will succeed. We are afraid that we will fail, and we will have to listen to the "I told you so-s", or "You should have listened to me. You'll never make it."

We all want to be safe. We want to be comfortable. We like to be content in knowing when and where our next paycheck will be in the bank, and that we have enough to live on and pay the bills. Why do we let money dictate our lives? Why do we sacrifice our dreams and passions for it? Who says that we can't make a living doing what we love? Probably the reason we don't pursue what we want is because we keep telling ourselves that we can't. We keep making excuses.

I'm realizing that I keep asking my friends that. "Why not? Why can't you?"

I've never been good at taking my own advice. But for the past week, I've been asking myself, "Why not, Ellie? Why can't you?"

There's nothing for me to lose, and everything to gain. Even if I fail, at least I can be proud of myself that I've tried my best. There will never be a perfect time to do it. Perhaps, I may be wrong. But in trying, I will not have any regrets. Nor will I one day look back on my youth and wonder- What if I did that when I was younger?

I'm going to take the plunge. One day at a time. Countdown, 1 week.

It doesn’t matter what you’ve heard

Impossible is not a word

It’s just a reason for someone not to try

Everybody’s scared to death

When they decide to take that step

Out on the water

It’ll be alright

Life is so much more

Than what your eyes are seeing

You will find your way

If you keep believing

-What Faith Can Do, Kutless

I rebel.

This is a conversation I had today:

D: XXX has been working at our company for X years in HR. She's very hardworking. She'll stay back every evening till 8 or 9pm before going home. She says that since there is nothing else for her to do anyway she might as well work.

Me: That's very sad. Her life is just 'get up, work, go home, sleep' and repeat.

D: That's normal. That's life. 

Me: No. That's not life. That's survival. I want more from life than that.

D: Well then you better get a rich boyfriend or husband so you don't have to work and you can carry an LV bag everyday and drive a big car around.

Me: That's not life either. I don't want to be dependent on others for a living. I'm not looking for branded stuff. I want to LIVE life. I want to experience what the world has to offer. I want to be happy.

I am stubborn. I rebel against societal norms. I choose to rebel against the common misconception that if I do not hold a degree, I am not worthy of good employment or good pay. I rebel against the fact the life is about getting a degree, a job, climbing the corporate ladder, getting married, having kids, and then retiring. I rebel against that cookie-cutter lifestyle. Scratch that. It's not a lifestyle. It's just survival.

I want to LIVE. To travel. To see the world. To write what I want.

Most of all, I want to be happy.

Someday